Dear Catherine,
My boyfriend of three months cancelled our plans to go away for my birthday at the last minute. Why is it too much for him to handle emotions? I am recognizing a pattern in my relationships that is not working for me. Why do I tend to attract the same type of person; someone insecure and unable to commit and who usually ends up walking away from me? …. Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Your boyfriend seems to have a victim consciousness. As much as he does not want to be a victim he believes he is. This makes him somewhat passive/aggressive in a relationship emotionally, as he will always be looking for reasons as to why it is not working. Fear is driving him to look for reasons when none may exist. His insecurities about you are based on his insecurities about himself. This type of thinking always looks at someone, or something, as the reason for their hurt or fear rather than taking responsibility for it themselves.
As much as he would want a serious relationship, his fear of it failing, or of being used or hurt, is stronger than his belief that everything will be OK. That is a challenge. He is showing you who he is and the question is, do you want to try and fix it (only he can do that), do you accept him and stay, knowing that this is a pattern for him, or do you leave because he is not what you are looking for and the past three months have shown you who he is. In my opinion, being with a partner is about having someone that comes into your life to make it better and it needs to be effortless. When people come into our lives that do not make it better and effortless, it might be a good idea to ask ourselves, what am I afraid of? Do I feel unworthy or not good enough? The energy of this belief would attract someone who is not very confident in themselves and with limiting beliefs about the relationships that they would be able to manifest in their lives.
I believe that your boyfriend’s upbringing has made him feel fearful of committing emotionally in a relationship. I think he is really afraid of being hurt. He can heal this but first has to admit that there is something that has been driving him to make bad choices in the past which reinforces his fears moving forward. The presence of this man in your life is also reminding you to focus on what you really want and to have the courage to accept nothing less.
This way of thinking will inspire you to seek out people with behaviours that make them their best and create the results you are looking for. When we have the courage to walk away because we believe there is something better, we make space for a more balanced person, someone more appropriate for us. The temptation to hold on to unhappy relationships reinforces our own fear and the insecurity that we cannot manifest our hearts desires and ultimately will attract more of the same. It is one thing to invest in a relationship because we believe in it and are willing to make changes and quite another to talk ourselves into accepting something that is not so great because we are afraid we will not find anyone else quickly. This is a sign of insecurity, attracts insecure people and breeds more insecurity emotionally for both one’s partner and one’s self.
Recognize and address your own insecurities and you will change your past patterns and attract the best relationship partner to you.
Namaste,
Catherine
